Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."
Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.
¡¡¡¡I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.
¡¡¡¡"It's the smoke detector," they replied in unison.
¡¡¡¡"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.
Enlarging The Breast « Result #3 on Mar 11, 2009, 4:40am »
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
The husband comes up with a suggestion. ¡°If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.¡±
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ¡°How long will this take?¡± she asks.
¡°They¡¯ll grow larger over a period of years,¡± he replies.
The wife stops. ¡°Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?¡±
The husband shrugs. ¡°Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?¡±
Three young women are at a thingytail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thingy."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
The Good Side of Fear « Result #5 on Feb 23, 2009, 2:50am »
I had the chance to sit down at Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego with Joe Montana before he went onto the field with the San Francisco 49ers against Denver in Super Bowl XXIV (1989).wow power leveling, We didn't know it then, but this would be Joe's last Super Bowl, his fourth championship, yet another high point in one of the most remarkable careers not just in pro football, but in all of sports. Joe seemed restless. wow power leveling,He had already won everything there is in this game - the respect of teammates and opponents, coaches and owners, and especially the fans - plus all the awards: multiple League Most Valuable Player (MVPs), Super Bowls, wow power leveling,and Super Bowl MVPs.
I said, "Joe, you can't possibly be scared."
What he said to me is, wow gold,I believe the key to his success and the reason I consider him the greatest quarterback of all time. He said, "If you're not afraid of losing, then losing means nothing."
Every time Joe Montana stepped on the field, he was scared. wow gold,That element of fear kept him sharp through his entire career. If we want to be at our best, we need that same element of fear burning inside of us. It sharpens the focus; keeps the edge.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember what Joe said, wow gold,realizing the truth of it. It has helped me. I know it will surely help you.
Forty-three years seems like a long time to remember the name of a mere acquaintance. I have duly forgotten the name of an old lady who was a customer on my paper route when I was a twelve-year-old boy in Marinette, Wisconsin back in 1954. wow power leveling Yet it seems like just yesterday that she taught me a lesson in forgiveness that I can only hope to pass on to someone else someday.
On a mindless Saturday afternoon, wow gold, a friend and I were throwing rocks onto the roof of the old lady¡¯s house from a secluded spot in her backyard. The object of our play was to observe how the rocks changed to missiles as they rolled to the roof¡¯s edge and shot out into the yard like comets falling from the sky.
I found myself a perfectly smooth rock and sent it for a ride. The stone was too smooth, however, so it slipped from my hand as I let it go and headed straight for a small window on the old lady¡¯s back porch. At the sound of fractured glass,wow power leveling we took off from the old lady¡¯s yard faster than any of our missiles flew off her roof.
I was too scared about getting caught that first night to be concerned about the old lady with the broken porch window. However, a few days later, when I was sure that I hadn¡¯t been discovered, I started to feel guilty for her misfortune. She still greeted me with a smile each day when I gave her the paper, but I was no longer able to act comfortable in her presence.
I made up my mind that I would save my paper delivery money, and in three weeks I had the seven dollars that I calculated would cover the cost of her window.wow power leveling I put the money in an envelope with a note explaining that I was sorry for breaking her window and hoped that the seven dollars would cover the cost for repairing it.
I waited until it was dark, snuck up to the old lady¡¯s house, and put the envelope of retribution through the letter slot in her door. My soul felt redeemed and I couldn¡¯t wait for the freedom of, once again, looking straight into the old lady¡¯s eyes.
The next day, wow gold I handed the old lady her paper and was able to return the warm smile that I was receiving from her. She thanked me for the paper and said, ¡°Here, I have something for you.¡± It was a bag of cookies. I thanked her and proceeded to eat the cookies as I continued my route.
After several cookies,wow gold I felt an envelope and pulled it out of the bag. When I opened the envelope, I was stunned. Inside was the seven dollars and a short note that said, ¡°I¡¯m proud of you.¡±
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